Heavy Bones

I’m so fat I put mayonnaise on Tylenol.  I’m so fat my blood type is Ragu.  I’m so fat I eat Wheat Thicks.  You get the idea.  It is so fun getting fat but not fun being fat.  For one thing, you need twice as much sunscreen.  And pants and shorts are pretty much out of the question.  I like sundresses as much as the next girl, but enough is enough.

About two weeks ago, I was laying sloth-like in bed for what seemed like an eternity.  I was physically and mentally exhausted and, if I’m being honest, had a touch of the champagne flu.  Not my finest moment.  But as they say, from the ashes rises the Phoenix.

After catching up with the Kardashians and saying Yes to the Dress, I landed on an infomercial designed to motivate people like me—P90x3.  For 30 minutes, I was mesmerized by before and after photos, stories of triumph and hot bodies.  Needless to say, I was not feeling like a hottie still clad in jammies at noon on a Saturday.

Hmmmm…just 30 minutes a day for 90 days and I could be hot too?  After a quick calculation, I realized there are roughly 90 days until my 37^th birthday.   We could have something here.  I rolled over, grabbed my iPad and placed the order.

A huge part of the program is keeping track of your progress.  Before and after photos are a must.  In the depths of my closet, I located a black string bikini that has not seen the light of day since my last name was Holt.

Once dressed, I took a look in the mirror.  I looked like a tick with a farmers tan.  I called Mike in the bedroom to begin the ‘before” photo shoot. 

“You don’t look that bad,” were his words of encouragement.  Sadly, I was actually touched.  He took the photos and I made him swear that nobody would ever see them unless my progress was so amazing that I could use them to brag about how far I had come.

We had big plans to get up each day at 6 am and work out.  We are one week into the program and this is what has happened so far:

Monday:  Alarm went off and we did not wake up.  Ended up working out after work.

Tuesday: Same as above

Wednesday:  Success!  We got up in time to work out!

Thursday:  It was raining and too hard to get out of bed.  Evening work out.

Friday:  Mike was out of town but I completed morning workout.  I'm AWESOME!

Saturday:  Not yet but thinking about it.

84 days to go!  I’m really sore but happy I’m at least doing something.  It seems as though it takes way more time and effort to take off what you put on.  I miss the days when I had a kick ass metabolism and didn’t have to constantly worry about what I was putting in my body.  It’s amazing how you can change and not even notice it.  The other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw a big fat head.  How did my head get fat too?

I’m going to stay committed to this for the entire 90 days and see how far it gets me.  Even if I lose only five or ten pounds it’s worth it.  The availability of diet champagne would make this so much easier.